Celebrities

Film
Often the brightest stars have the darkest secrets...

The wealth of some famous families have been known to come via unscrupulous means. The Kennedy family and bootlegging, the Hearst family and yellow journalism, the Du Pont family and the selling of gunpowder during the American Civil War, etc.

Money

But little is known about the source of wealth for the Koch family. Little that is until now. Long kept a secret, Fred Chase Koch, the family patriarch, was an historical site and tomb plunderer. The Congolese ruby mines have been permanently closed as they are the only breading grounds for the extremely endangered (only 117 known to be still living in the wild) Hairy Faced Giant Hog Nosed Bat. Fred couldn't resist the temptation and as much as the Koch family denies it, this film clip shows the gruesome event:

Such senseless slaughter. I hope he at least had the decency to buy a pair of pants with his ill gotten gains.

 

Tensions between the United States and North Korea have reached a breaking point. North Korean leader, Kim Jong-un, finally decided to risk an overt act against his bitter rival.

Kim

He called for an invasion onto U.S. soil. The Ministry of State Security (MSS) was called in to choose a location that would guarantee a successful assault. They chose Punta Gorda, a sleepy retirement community on Florida's west coast. What the MSS had failed to realize was that both Robert Blake and John McAfee had chosen this town for their retirement homes. This short film clip shows the result of the invasion:

You would think the two would be proud of repelling this invasion but that was not the case.

John McAfee immediately donned a disguise and disappeared.

Funny Glasses

He later told Wired in an interview that the North Korean, South Korean, United States, and Belize governments were colluding to frame him.

Robert Blake claimed he had left the North Korean army waiting in his car while he went to retrieve his other machine gun he had left in a restaurant.

Blake Car

Upon his return he insists it was only then he discovered the carnage and called 911.

You would think this would be world news but the story has been suppressed. North Korea, of course, does not want to admit to their military failure. The United States does not want to admit that the first invasion onto American soil in over a century was repelled by John McAfee and Robert Blake.

 

Relations between China and the United States are deteriorating. Partially because of trade, partially because of North Korea, but primarily because of the construction and militarization of the Fiery Cross Reef.

Fiery Cross Reef

Details of the armaments available to the new military base are disturbing but how did the United States receive such accurate intelligence? At the risk of exposing national security secrets, I must reveal the identity of this super agent. His name is Jackie Chan!

Jackie Chan

His set of unique skills allowed him to infiltrate the base undetected and gather detailed plans of the entire structure. He was only discovered during his daring escape. This film clip from a high definition satellite feed shows Jackie, wearing his CIA issue wingsuit, evading guards as he beat a hasty retreat.

That Jackie Chan, he's unstoppable.

 

Sandra Bullock, Academy Award winner, Golden Globe winner, one of Hollywood's best and highest paid actresses.

Sandra Bullock

She's perfect. She couldn't possibly have any secrets to hide. Well... maybe one. Call it a fetish, a predilection, an addiction, an uncontrollable urge. Call it whatever you want but Sandra can't resist a telephone repairman.

Telephone

That's right, telephone repairmen. She of course will deny this but after sabotaging her phone she can't deny this security tape I was able to get my hands on:

I needed to edit off the end of this film clip. It got a bit to salty for this forum. There's nothing to be ashamed of Sandra. He seems like a pretty nice guy.

 

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