Recent Conspiracies

Hot off the presses

Newly disclosed, hot off the presses, the most recent conspiracies...

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  • It's all over the news, you can't miss it. "Trump colluded with the Russians", "Obama hid evidence of the Russians", "the Republican National Committee colluded with Breitbart", "the Democratic National Committee colluded with CNN". The accusations are flying in every direction. What are we suppose to believe? I can now prove that all the allegations are a smoke screen perpetrated by politicians and media on both the left and the right to cover-up the most heinous of collisions. That's right, the unholy union of Donald Trump and Nancy Pelosi!!!

    Trump Pelosi

    Impossible you say, where could these two bitter enemies find common ground? Money of course, the root of all evil (romance rumors are floating around but I have no definitive proof to report on these allegations, no "Fake News" here). Once I was able to decipher their ingeniously encoded company name...

    Pump Trelosi

    Everything fell into place. This highly profitable company specializes in the manufacturing (in China of course) and sale of items geared to the current political climate. "Make America Great Again" and "Not My President" T-shirts, hats, bumper stickers, signs, stationary, chewing gum, mylar balloons. You name it, they make it. No wonder there is such heated rhetoric, it boosts the bottom line. Take a look at their latest shameful contrivance:

    Shakespeare in the Park

    That's right, the official "Shakespeare in the Park" comfy seat cushion. Shame on you both for converting passions to profits!

     

  • If you want to talk about political polar opposites, Chris Christie and Elizabeth Warren could be considered the definition.

    Warren Christie

    What you didn't know, in the seventies, in Asbury Park, Chris and Elizabeth used to be an item. They were a couple until one fateful summer night in July, 1978. Chris was looking forward to the Springsteen gig at the Stone Pony but they were running late (apparently Elizabeth was still "putting on her face").

    Springsteen

    Seating was limited so he called some friends at NJDOT (New Jersey Department of Transportation) and talked them into closing the Main St. bridge over Deal Lake to buy some time. After arriving at the concert, Chris, thinking it would impress her, told Elizabeth how he had closed a bridge for her. It had the opposite effect. Elizabeth screamed at him calling him a "fascist", an "entitled redneck", and a "traffic diverting philistine". They left in the middle of the concert, Chris' tail between his legs (his friends called him "whipped Christie" for weeks after). After they got home, Chris was angry but, as Elizabeth was known to be somewhat "high maintenance", he did try to smooth the waters as this home security video shows:

    But the damage was done. Shortly after, Elizabeth moved to Massachusetts to begin her successful political career. Chris, riding a wave of popularity, remained in New Jersey (two ships passing in the night). Ask Chris Christie or Elizabeth Warren about their affair and they will both vehemently deny it. Try and deny it now Chris and Lizzie (Chris and Lizzie sitting in a tree, K I S S I N G).

     

  • You may have heard that the Russians hacked into the DNC (Democratic National Committee). You may have heard that Russian hacking influenced the 2016 presidential election. But what I'm about to disclose is the most heinous act of cyber espionage in modern times. The Russians hacked into and vandalized the "Official Three Stooges Video Archive".

    Stooges Putin

    I guess we're going to have to call them Larry, Moe, Curly, and Vladimir. Why would they perpetrate this horrendous act? Apparently the Stooge's influence on Vladimir Putin is more intense than commonly known. During a tense meeting between, then president, Barrack Obama and Russian president Vladimir Putin, Obama ordered the cameras turned off while the two leaders took a breather. Obama, trying to ease the pressure, ordered a cheese platter.

    Cheese Plate

    This had the exact opposite effect as Vladimir exploded into a lactose induced rage. The cameras were off but, luckily for us, the audio was still recording. Judge for yourself:

    Boy howdy, that Vladimir sure has his issues with cheese!

     

  • The more things change, the more they stay the same. We all know Bill Clinton tends to take advantage of his interns but we never knew it's history.

    Bill Clinton

    Now, with this newly found footage, we can see Hot Springs High School student counsel president Bill Clinton (everybody called him Cal back then) interviewing a new intern:

    Need we say more?

     

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