Supernatural

Graveyard

Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble. Covens, satanic cults, poltergeists, vampires, werewolves...

Bring these supernatural threats out of the shadows.

This untold story happened at the Alpha Omicron Pi chapter of Georgia Southern University. Nancy Allen and her boyfriend Gary were "studying" in the common room when Nancy saw a hideous face peering at them through the window.

Monster

After calming Nancy down (three shots of Jack Daniels), Gary, Nancy, and her sorority sisters gave chase to the scopophilic demon (it was a gallon of Jack Daniels so there was plenty of liquid courage to go around). It was getting dark but luckily they still had some jumbo sparklers left over from the Fourth of July kegger. One of the sisters recorded this footage on her cell phone:

They figured this was a justifiable homicide until they found out the monster was actually Toby Robinson. Toby Robinson was a freshman Chemistry major with really bad skin, teeth in dire need of an Orthodontist, and hairy palms (I won't go into how he got those). He had mistaken the sorority for the 24 hour chemistry lab and ran away because, obviously, he didn't like bright lights. Nancy, Toby, and the sisters swore each other to secrecy but I was able to recover this video from a deleted Facebook post. Looks like it's time to face up to the truth.

 

Zombies are a horror movie staple. Grotesque, shambling remnants of what was once a human being with only the desire to consume human brains.

Zombie

What is even more horrible is that they are real! Yes, a failed special forces experiment to create a more resilient soldier went horribly wrong. Real zombies however, are not as mindless as the movies portray them. The results of this horrible experiment reside in a secluded section of area 51. They form somewhat normal familial bonds and even have children. The U.S. military denies this of course, but they can't argue with this short film clip recorded by a proud zombie parent taken at the Undead High School Senior Prom:

Aah, young love.

 

Dr. Gunther Steinenfrank, a respected professor of biology at the University of Cologne, received an endearing birthday gift from his niece Heidi. A Chia Pet. Imagine his shock when it grew six feet overnight and appeared to be possessed by a demon!

Dr. Steinenfrank attempted to study his new pet in his greenhouse but disaster struck when it attacked his faithful gardener Igor.

Gunther was able to convince the local Catholic priest to attempt an exorcism on the plant but this failed miserably. He was finally able to destroy the demon by dousing it in weed killer and, while still shocked from the poison, throwing it into a wood chipper. Sadly, after studying the remains, Dr. Steinenfrank realized that there was never a demon. He had placed his Chia pet in close proximity to his microwave oven which had caused the genetic mutation.

Microwave Chia Pet

Dr. Steinenfrank, embarrassed by his misinterpretation of his biological specimen, and the Catholic church, embarrassed by, well, performing an exorcism on a Chia pet, have both desperately tried to conceal these events. Time for the truth to blossom.

 

One of America's great mysteries, the original colonists of Roanoke Island. Sometime between 1587 and 1590 the entire colony disappeared. Nobody has been able to find the reason. Nobody until now! Roanoke Island is now a peaceful, sleepy North Carolina community. They do, however, take Halloween very seriously.

Halloween Pumpkins

All the children have costumes and every home is well stocked with candy. Helen Beasley had just arrived in town, the new forth grade English teacher did not really care for children and certainly did not respect Halloween traditions. Her neighbors tried to stress the importance of the holiday to her but she ignored them, a decision she would soon regret. Luckily I was able to retrieve this security footage and escape with my life:

An ancient curse on the island has controlled the children on All Hollow's Eve for centuries. The sole survivors of the massacre of 1588 was a family who had made toffees from tree sap and sea salt, all others where devoured by the children. The tradition has been passed down from generation to generation. So if you find yourself on Roanoke Island during Halloween, DON'T FORGET THE CANDY!

 

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