They're Watching

"What big eyes you have." "The better to hypnotize you with." A species of subterranean humanoids are in the process of taking over the world.

These humanoids have been evolving along side of humans but are still unknown to us. How could they stay hidden over thousands of years? Because anyone who comes in contact with them is hypnotized into doing their will. An errant cellphone has finally captured proof of their existence.

How many of us are their unwilling servants? Your neighbors? Your friends? Our world leaders? How can we possibly know?

Walmart is famous for keeping prices low and one of their best means of doing this is to avoid theft.

To advance this, they created a breakthrough in security systems using a combination of high-tech cameras and bio-engineering. The new system was deployed at the North Vancouver Supercentre. All went well until 3:27 pm, October 22, 2015, when the security devices became sentient and began summarily executing shoplifters.

While the panicked shoppers huddled in the aisles, The Walmart defense department was forced to bomb the security system with super special discount vodka bombs (Smurfniks, $2.99 a gallon, great price).

To remain silent, all customers where given a 24 hour "Super Walmart Free Shopping Spree" but my ethics require me to speak the truth.

Kim Jong-un, leader of North Korea, has done many evil things but none so heinous as declaring that all males must wear his distinctive haircut. What could be worse than wearing this horrible hairdo? I will now unmask for you Sven Svendsen.

Sven Svendsen, leader of Den Svendsen Brorskap Av Verdensherredomme, based in Andenes Norway, has a hair fetish of his own. All members of his organization must swear undying loyalty to him and the haircut. They are known to monitor locations where they will forcefully recruit unfortunate members of the public. Unbelievable you say? There is no arguing with this security camera footage from Hulen Klubb, a popular Andenes nightclub.

These desperate nightclub patrons were forced into a remote hair design and reeducation camp. Den Svendsen Brorskap Av Verdensherredomme has been successfully isolated into northern Norway but they are constantly trying to expand their sphere of influence.

We must all stay vigilant, keep watching the Supercuts!!!

Fraternities and sororities, brothers and sisters, life long friendships and exclusive career opportunities. What could be better? But beware, there is a dark side. Once a Greek, always a Greek, and they protect their own. At great personal risk to myself, I bring you the horrible events that occurred at Miskatonic University.

Raelyn Sanders, the victim of this tale of terror, was an outgoing sophomore who had recently transferred from the University of California, Santa Cruz, and enrolled with a major in psychology. With the promise of an epic kegger, Raelyn was lured to her death. This hidden camera footage proves the story that the Sigma Nu brothers and the Alpha Delta Pi sisters so vehemently deny.

What could this young woman possibly have done to deserve this fate? First, she refused to pledge not only Alpha Delta Pi, but all the sororities on campus (she even had the nerve to call them creepy!) She then stole the boyfriend, Professor Alfred Kinsey, head of the Psychology department, from one of the Alpha Delta Pi's most popular sisters (the mascara was definitely running that night.) But the last straw, she aced all of her midterms completely throwing off the bell curve. Four Sigma Nu brothers and five Alpha Delta Pi sisters could no longer go to Cancun for spring break (their fathers would only pay if they maintained at least a 2.4 grade point average.)

The elders finally went into action. Elizabeth Selwin, head of the Alpha Delta Pi death squad still denies this event and with their alumni of politicians and judges, she and her co-conspirators will probably get away with it. At least Raelyn Sanders' fate is now known.